ID 20
SOUND chompp

Lucy Teaser

If you recall the paternity suit levelled against Lars Blackshoe in the early nineties, then you may recall Lucy (dare we say Blackshoe). The claim, brought by her mother (now deceased), alleged that Lucy was conceived one night after Lars met her mother in a London pub. Lars remembered nothing of that night, explaining that he was too drunk to have even been in a position to "make a dishonest woman of her." Lucy's mother may have lost the suit, but Lucy, currently living in Ipswitch, still regards Lars Blackshoe as "Daddy," sending him a letter a week; regrettably, Lucy refuses to disclose any of the letters she receives from Blackshoe. Lucy, once ridiculed for her insanely large chompers, regards her teeth with great pride. "I love my teeth. They're so solid I can use them to punture through cans," she adds, beaming. "And I can use them to crack open a coconut. I just love to bite." Her preternaturally strong teeth defy logic, especially considering the reputation of English dentistry. During the suit, Lars Blackshoe's attorney Umberto Sleezini contended that Lucy, whose teeth resembled those of her mother, bore no physical resemblance to Lars (who has never been faulted for his teeth). When asked about this, Lucy remarked that "Daddy and I have so much in common. We both have to pluck the hair between our eyebrows." Blackshoe denies ever having sported a monobrow; however, the billionaire neglected to deny the claim the Lucy might be putting her chompers to good use in the Circus of Wonders.

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