Bill “Yesman” Yaysman
Of all the yesmen in corporate America, why single out this man as the embodiment of the very best of brownnosing? Well, Yaysman, long in the employ of Lars Blackshoe as his P.R. man, was the first to attempt the formation of a union reserved exclusively for "brownnosers and asslickers the world over." "We need to look out for each other," says Yaysman. "Because if you think I'm alone, you're very much mistaken. And we don't discriminate ... unless, of course, your nose isn't brown," quips Yaysman with a characteristic chuckle. But, as a favored employee of billionaire Lars Blackshoe III (ever partial to brownnosing), it's no wonder he's smiling. "He takes care of his employees," adds Yaysman. "Of course, it's been tough to keep people thinking well of him these days."
A native of Long Island, Yaysman has dropped all pretense of having a normal identity, proudly proclaiming a name which announces his life purpose. "Hey, I wouldn't be living in the Hamptons if I hadn't been such an accomplished yes man. Besides, who likes a no man? Which explains why there is no Noman." Ever cheerful, Yaysman has a polite smile for everyone, greeting all and sundry with a hearty handshake, though rumor has it that Yaysman only smiles in public and that his psychiatrist has diagnosed him with an acute case of manic-depression. But if he's predisposed to depression, he doesn't show it. "That's because his face is frozen like that," laughs an anonymous observer. "That's what happens when you hold a neck-vein popping grin for too long."
Yaysman’s recent mass replication into thousands of clones has sparked considerable debate about who was responsible and what organizations will benefit the most from the clones. Considering that Lars Blackshoe has publicaly refused to employ any clones, Blackshoe competitor’s have opened their doors to them, filling every new vacancy with a Yaysman (or, rather, Yesman, as they’re called). “Who wouldn’t hire them,” mused Rob Lute, the famous financial guru. “They’re so, what’s the word, obliging.”
Blop Mann
One of the world's most respected Vegans (for his refusal to use or consume any animal products), Blopman has captured our attention for his vocal denunciation of what he calls "Blackshoe's exploitive circus, man." When approached by Lars Blackshoe III (never daunted in his personal missions) to perform in the circus, Blopman reputedly laughed uproariously for twenty minutes or so. Though some credit his laughter to several monumental bong hits taken just prior to meeting Blackshoe. Why has Lars Blackshoe taken such in interest in Blopman? "Why else does he take an interest in these creatures?" says an anonymous critic of Lars. "Because he's responsible for creating them."
With a new record in the works, Blopman is on the top of his form. His soulful renderings of Bob Marley classics have earned him a reputation as a world class artist; and his upcoming album featuring original reggae tracks has already been hailed as a brilliant, minimalist reinvention of Reggae without musical instruments, like Bobby McFerrin meets Bob Marley, with a touch of what Blopman calls "70's wang and twang" ." The people of Jamaica regard Blopman as a modern day Che Gueverra for his almost revolutionary and nonconformist views, though Blopman refuses to call himself a revolutionary. He has considerable support, particularly among his following of what are commonly regarded as "Blopheads," young college aged men and women who live and breath Blopman's music and philosophy on life, even going to far as to imitate his Rastafarian appearance.
Chaz Bean
Still famous twenty-five years after his scene-stealing debut as the geek who lost his virginity to a free-wheelin’ grandma in Granny Fever, Chaz Bean has suffered he usual career highs and drug-addled lows, spending more time in prison than on a film set. But after one year in a rehab center, Bean emerged a changed man who’d returned to the A-list as an action star in films like JumpStart about the mercenary with car troubles and Hound about the paid killer Chance Bassett who seeks revenge for a botched experiment that gave him an overly keen sense of smell. ‘They can run,’ said the well-loved ad, ‘but he can always smell their fear.’
Recent scandal has dogged his every step due to his admitted addiction to effluvia snifters and effluvia poppers. “He’ll just sit there hopped upon on Fluv until it starts oozing out of his nose and eye sockets,” noted his wife Libel Bean who has vowed to stay by his side until his addiction is licked. “He says his trips take him across the galaxy to strange worlds with corn stalks the size of skyscrapers,” continues Libel Bean in her famous HotSeat with Fay Nilch interview. “Oh God, won’t someone help him? How many days do I have to wake up next to a man lathered in Fluv?”
Despite his addiction, Chaz Bean is still making movies, soon to be seen in Warbloid Apocalypse this summer, in his return to the kick-ass roles that kept his star burning bright. Recently cast as Lars Blackshoe III in the biopic From Fish to Effluvia, slated for release in 2012. Blackshoe has been less than thrilled by the choice, although Chaz Bean is as “high as a Floobotian cornstalk.” “We’re practically brothers,” explained Chaz. “Seeing that his mom lives with my mother-in-law, it’s a matter of time before we meet. Lars is friggin’ awesome, man, and I look forward to spending every waking hour with him to research the part.” Lars Blackshoe was not available for comment on Chaz Bean’s plans to move in with him.
Dickie Dump
Financial seminar-king and founder of the popular family restaurant chain Dumpy’s where “food is fun,” Dickie Dump achieved his greatest fame as the host of the Follower, which provides contestants an opportunity to stroke Dump’s ego enough to avoid the inevitable “You’re toast.,” Dump’s famous catchphrase. Most recently, Dump has entertained an interest in running for President, calling O’Fama out for not yet proving himself fully human.
Doctor Ezekiel Dingboit
Now famous for his guest appearances as the goofy lab-coat sporting scientist in B-grade rap videos, Dr. Dingboit (or Dr. D as Dope Daddy once called him) has acquired a reputation as the epitome of "uncool." "He might not be stylin," says Dopy Daddy, "but he's all about keepin' it real. So keep it real, y'all. Word." Often garbed in the same unwashed shirts and undersized trousers, Dr. Dingboit (now in his mid-60's) might not resonate glamor and sophistication, but he's already being courted by casting directors eager to jump on the Dr. D bandwagon. It should be no surprise that he will soon be moving from his hillside laboratory near Boise, Idaho to stay with Nesbit Melvin in L.A.
"Ask me about my inventions," encourages one of Dr. D's food-stained shirts; and people do just that. However, it's his involvement with Lars Blackshoe III which has aroused the most curiosity. Regrettably, Dr. D. has little to say about his alleged endeavors in biological engineering, funded by Blackshoe. "He just smiles, giggles and then mumbles something before giggling again," explains Pam Smear, a member of PAB (People Against Blackshoe), a militant group devoted to “exposing Lars Blackshoe as a villain and a fraud.” "Dr. Dingboit bears no resemblance to the revolutionary scientist who, even before meeting Blackshoe, was unraveling the mysteries behind creation. Now, he's a blithering idiot who has long ceased to make sense." In his defense, Nesbit Melvin explains that "he's so brilliant that most people will mistake him for an idiot; but could an idiot create the superpotency drug Bang, or the drug that keeps everyone rearin’ to go, Buzz? I don't know how I could maintain my reputation without either of them." A genius, with enough humility to play the buffoon, Dr. Dingboit may be the most peculiar Brobbit enigma of all; although his genius has been credited to an abduction by Floobs back in 1947, who, it’s alleged, taught him all that they knew.
To date, the allegations of being a modern day Dr. Moreau have not been proven. “Who needs to create freaks,” explained his alleged daughter Lucy, “When there are so many. And the poor creatures need our help.”
Dope Daddy
Back when rap music could bring the entire family together with rousing lyrics like “I got my gun in your eye, mother$%#*@# die,” and “that cop’s a hick, he can suck my &*$#.” Many of his groundbreaking videos featured Dr. Dingboit, known back then as Dr. D, who’d made frequent appearances as the uncool white guy with two left feet, and was often left for dead by the end of the song.
Dope Daddy’s mainstream rhymes weren’t, however, what made him famous. His claim to fame, of course, was his featured role as a Bible-thumping ex-gangster in the film, Gangsta for God, and who can forget his famous line: “Gimme a halleluiah bi%^$, or get my God-fearin’ foot up you’re a**.”
All of that changed when Dope Daddy’s gangsta past came back to haunt him. Caught for possession with intent to snort, Dope Daddy spent the next seven years in jail, but was out on good behavior in 2001. It took another five years of run-ins with the law before he launched a poorly received comeback album of classic love songs titled “Time for Mr. Nice Guy, aight” faulted for lacking his trademark edginess.
His brief stint as host of Keep Dreaming, a reality show about big ambitions and no talent, turned him into a celebrity to a new generation of fans, but his fan base was nothing compared to that of ex-girlfriend Lala Boomba. Most recently, he’s turned his efforts to seeking out his old friend Dr. Dingboit who’d disappeared without a trace in 2007.
Donely
Lars Blackshoe III may have won the famous paternity suit brought by Lucy of Ipswitch, but Blackshoe could not challenge the genetic testing which established, once and for all, Donely's blood relationship. Blackshoe's cousin on the maternal side, Donely's parents moved to Atlanta where he was born. But, plagued by tremendous learning disabilities and enormous feet (for which he was mercilessly teased by classmates), Donely was removed from the public school system and taught at home where he remained hidden for twenty odd years when his parents were killed in the freak hail shower of '97. When the family attorney alleged that Donely was Blackshoe's cousin, Blackshoe denied it. He refused to have anything to do with the "giggling retard," as he described him, until a court order required Blackshoe to take the place of Donely's biological parents.
Though Donely resides at Blackshoe's Long Island mansion, Lars can rarely tolerate his presence for more than a few minutes, whereupon he invariably runs from the hug-happy "idiot-boy." When asked about Donely's clumsiness (accounting for the loss of many a priceless artifact), Lars explains that "Donely's enormous feet are costing me thousands of dollars. But I hope to find some use for him at the Circus of Wonders, and, maybe, keep him out of trouble." In his defense, Donely remarks: "Donely sorry. Donely not mean to make my cousin angry. But Donely love Lars." With genuine affection like this, perhaps Blackshoe will one day forgive Donely for his unintended imposition upon time and pocketbook.
Drullah
"I've never seen the like," remarked Lars Blackshoe upon meeting Drullah for the first time during a safari treck in Kenya. "But apart from the abominable odor," writes Blackshoe in his memoirs, "I consider Drullah to be one of my more pleasant finds." Ever the collector, Blackshoe has already booked Drullah to appear in his upcoming Circus of Wonders. "The natives insist that I should showcase the foul and incessant flatulence which has compelled Drullah to a life of almost virtual solitude, but I prefer to showcase his commendable Elvis impression. It's better than Andy Kaufman's." So watch out Las Vegas, affix those clothes pins to your nose now because Drullah might soon be headlining the MGM Grand.
Regrettably, Drullah, now sporting an Elvis-like pompadour, can only sustain an impression for ten seconds or so before he becomes too bloated to say a word. "He just puffs up," explains an anonymous observer, "and then for the next thirty seconds or so releases a steady flow of the most vile and pestilent stench imaginable. He's definitely an acquired taste, but a talented impressionist nonetheless." Doctors have been unable to stomach the odor long enough to offer even a single cure for Drullah's unfortunate gas. But Drullah remains undaunted and enthusiastic, now that rehearsals for the Circus of Wonders are just around the corner.
Effluvia Jack
The young wild young Brixton boy with a million dollar idea, Effluvia Jack (former band member of Bleedin’ Snatch) has become a self-proclaimed ambassador to the world. "It's me what's been the best thing that happened to me country last year." And perhaps he's right. Though Effluvia Jack attributes the success of his Old Jack Stout to the foamy, viscous liquid which oozes from the snout of his loyal pet Gripples, many say that Jack creates his own Effluvia. "That Gripples thing," remarks a neighbor, "that's just a front. It don't make Effluvia. It's Jack who does. I've seen him when he gets mad. He foams at the mouth and it gets all over the place. It's bloody disgusting, if you ask me. Me friends drink the stuff, but I won't touch that Old Jack's Stout." Pondering the truth behind the secret ingredient might make people nauseous, but it doesn't prevent them from yanking them from store shelves by the caseload.
"When I came to Mr. Blackshoe with my idea," explains Jack. I had no idea he'd ever want to invest in it. But he took one sip and he was hooked. So we set up a brewery and now we're giving the ol' geezers at Guinness a run for their money." Yet, it can't be denied that this bad boy made good has a temper. And with the smut magazine, the Public Inquisitor, showing candid photos of Jack foaming at the mouth, his torso covered in white, viscous fluid, people have begun to suspect that the secret ingredient comes from Jack's own peculiar gastrointestinal system. Naturally, Jack denies charges that he, and not Gripples, creates effluvia. "Those pictures," remarks Jack, "they were taken after Gripples and I were playing in the back yard. He gets a little excited when I pull on 'is trunk, is all." But these disturbing allegations have not hurt sales; and co-founder and financial backer Lars Blackshoe III has called the claims "as valid as the claim that I'm related to that Neanderthal cousin of mine, Donely." Of course, genetic testing has settled that claim.
Fay Nilch
Fay Nilch was already a familiar face by the time she’d earned her primetime slot as host of HotSeat with Fay Nilch, the show with the guest seat that allegedly caused third degree burns to her least popular guests. Lars Blackshoe, through his attorney Umberto Sleezini, threatened a suit after his brief appearance, although the matter was settled out of court for an undisclosed sum. “It would have been a fantastic interview if he hadn’t dodged so many questions,” said Nilch.
Nilch, hair-spray encrusted blond hair in the form of a helmet that never seems to move however much she swivels her head, prides herself on asking the tough questions, such as “When did you lose your virginity and what was it like?” and “Tell me your deepest darkest fantasies.” ‘Nilch asks the questions you wish you could ask,’ reads the tagline.
When asked by guest Chaz Bean if she used effluvia to keep her hair so perfectly in place, the HotSeat was given its first official use. “I ask the questions,” explained Nilch, “not my guests.” It’s said that the awkward interview sparked three year long plunge into a Fluv hell of his own making.
Although Nilch professes to have no political leaning, the fact that no one with anti-Blackshoe views ever suffered the hotseat is telling.
Finnegan "Wacko" McWhacken
Says Let's Go Canada, "for sleepy Saskatoon, Wacko, without question, is the nightlife." And it's true. That a man who should probably be an embarrassment to himself can be regarded with such reverence by local residents is yet another Brobbit enigma. "He's putting Saskatoon on the map," explains Mayor Macready. Wacko (his real name still the subject of debate) is best known for the glam rock get-up he dons on his nightly forays into the glitzy night clubs of downtown Saskatoon. In his platform boots, sequined shirts and pants so tight only castrato could wear them without fear, Wacko livens up any gathering. But it's his lightening fast moves -- high-kicks, pelvic thrusts and mock Karate punches, along with his wild whoops of unabashed glee -- which provide the most slack-jawed astonishment from onlookers.
Like the sun, he's a sight to behold, but you'd better stare for too long or get too close. Wacko's sudden and unexpected dance gyrations have put many a man and woman in the hospital; but they are invariably grateful for having been touched by this whirlwind of frolicking fury and having lived to tell the tale. He's often been seen with fellow raver, Nesbit Melvin -- Lars Blackshoe's accountant; and it's been claimed that the pair of them went to business school together. It's no surprise, considering that Wacko has a reputation for being a heartbreaker, just as Melvin does.
Floyd Cockinbush
A well-respected urologist with thousands of vasectomies under his belt, Dr. Floyd Cockinbush has recently become a familiar figure as a vocal spokesperson for scandal-ridden Hegemon Pharmaceutical, which has undersold Elixir products for ten years, and of the anti-effluvia campaign which kicked off in 2009. .
Asked if Hegemon Pharmaceutical products do more harm than good, Cockinbush insisted, fingers crossed behind his back, that if anyone could save the world it would be the good people at Hegemon Pharmaceutical. His opposition to Elixir comes of claims that the medication contains effluvia. “It hasn’t been tested, not like Hegemon products which have been rigorously tested on rodents for years before hitting the shelves. One need only look to actor Chaz Bean to realize that effluvia in the wrong doses can be dangerously addictive and why some states have had the good sense to ban it. It should be outlawed everywhere.”
Dr. Cockinbush is a hero to some for his valiant work containing two warbloid infestations in China. “If only the people who want these as pets knew that a pair of warbloids can birth a thousand warbloids in the span of a week.” As it so happens, Chaz Bean will be playing the part of Floyd Cockinbush in the film version of actual events called Warbloid Apocalypse with Bean as a the gun totin’ loner who single-handedly takes on a million of the creatures to win back the love of his life.
Frechen Sperboit
A second cousin of Von Stupples, Frechen Sperboit was the Austrian wiz kid who served as a prominent developer for LarsNet (and perhaps the man behind AskRouble, first called TellRouble) until a mental breakdown one year ago which left him a virtual recluse in his Vienna apartment building. "He was a control freak," says friend and fellow computer-programmer Nesbit Melvin. "And when the computer started acting all haywire on that infamous Black Friday, he just lost it. I remember him saying , in his thick Austrian accent, that no computer would be the boss of him. He then stormed out of the office and that was the last I'd heard of him."
For the past year, Sperboit has lived alone, making only an occasional public appearance when Von Stupples comes to visit. Says PR man, Bill Yaysman, "he's still good enough to take Von Stupples for walks, but he can't stay out for more than ten minutes before rushing back home to resume his war on the machines of man." Rumor has it that Sperboit spends the bulk of his days eating Cheetos, drinking Dr. Sweinhund (An Austrian version of Dr. Pepper) and devoting himself to a tense battle of wills with his desk-top computer. He redesigned his computer to respond to voice commands; so that, according to Public Inquisitor publisher Freddie Smuttison, "every correct response becomes a personal victory for him." "But what a racket," remarks an irate neighbor. "It's alvays computer ... On .... computer ... Off. Everyday. You can hear him down za block. I don't know what he's doing in zer but it sounds dangerous." Though mild-mannered and amiable in person, Sperboit has still acquired a reputation as an anti-Christ behind closed doors. Says publisher Smuttison, " Hitler was a frustrated artist born on the Danube, and Sperboit is a frustrated computer programmer born on the Danube. I'm just glad I'm not a computer."
On a lighter note, it seems Sperboit has made good use of his indefinite sabbatical, developing what he calls the Web 3.0 which will permit the computer interface to anticipate the user’s needs. His plans, however, remain shrouded in secrecy.
Freddy Smuttison
Opinionated and ever ready with a strongly-worded editorial, Freddy Smuttison, the man who revolutionized the gossip industry in the mid-eighties, is every bit as famous as his own creation, the Public Inquisitor, the “first magazine to tell people the truth, and that means every sordid detail, cellulite and all.”
It was on the front cover of the Public Inquisitor in 1989 that the first recorded photo of a Floob was printed, clutching a husk of corn no less. Smuttison dubbed the Floob Stimpy, after the phrase that Linda Loon claimed to have heard when she startled the creature. It’s said, however, that Stimpy is the Floob word for human; nonetheless, Stimpy remains the name of the first Floob.
For people intrigued by everything Floob, there is no better publication than the Inquisitor for up-to-date sightings and Corn Aid festival locations. If it weren’t for Smuttison’s anti-Blackshoe slant, the Inquisitor would have been singled out as a dangerous Floob sympathizer by Rhona Krayzle and the Milk party. “Blackshoe might be a modern day success story, but the more closely one looks at Blackshoe the more his story looks like a cautionary tale.”
Asked if he had anything to do with Yipplileaks, which to date remains an anonymous venture, Smuttison says “Certainly not. We tell a fun story, with some dramatic license. Yippileaks just whips it out and lets it all hang out, as if anyone wanted to just look at it.”
Frobbitawa
Though the precise origins of Frobbitawa remain a mystery, Japan still considers it a homegrown conundrum. Referred to as the Japanese "Loch Ness" despite his diminutive size, Frobbitawa is best known for his preternaturally long tongue which snakes its way out of the Frobbitawa carp pool near Kyoto to capture the odd flies which are foolish enough to linger too close to the water. Frobbitawa's penchant for flies knows no bounds, and only the lure of a fresh batch of flies (released by the odd mischievous thrill-seeker) will ever draw him out of his peaceful aquatic lair. Yet, "Frobbitawa loves to lick" (or so say the teeshirts which vendors sell near the pool) and will eagerly lick just about anything that comes within tongue's length of him.
And if eyewitness reports are to be believed, Frobbitawa has what appear to be elephant feet, human molars, a frog's water permeable skin, fish gills and what can only be called a lion's mane about his neck. They say Frobbitawa has to be seen to be believed. But many credit Dr. Dingboit, once in the employ of eccentric billionaire Lars Blackshoe III, with the creation of Frobbitawa. But whether or not he was the misconceived result of one of Lars Blackshoe's funded attempts at creating new animal species makes no difference to the Japanese. "Who cares about Pokemon," says one excited resident of Kyoto. " Long live Frobbitawa!"
Gadufus
a Middle-Eastern tyrant whose failed attempt at assassinating Rouble Fluxum launched a movement that has fired up a generation determined to secure easy access to the effluvia of the West, as well as other conveniences of the modern age.
Gloppajob
Spawned in a gourmet Tandoori restaurant in downtown Bombay one rainy evening, Gloppajob has mystified Bombay residents for years. Legend has it that Glopp literally flew from a steaming pot of spicy Ostrich and fish-head curry, frightening kitchen staff and diners alike by his hideous, malformed appearance. "It's as if all the Ostrich parts and the fish-eyes congealed in that pot to create a monster," says multilingual chef Punjab Kureshi. "It was like a manifestation of Shiva, the destroyer god. Or ... perhaps I used too much of that Blackshoe spice. I'd never made Ostrich and fish-head curry before."
We may never know what life-giving element that pot contained, but whatever its origins, Gloppajob (so-called by locals) is a phenomenon. Living as far from human habitation as possible, he has eluded all attempts to capture him; but intrepid photographers have produced, for our Western eyes, many an image of him. Some call it a hoax, but "who would in their right mind would try to make something like that up," remarks an American who traveled to India in search of Gloppajob. "It's too far-fetched ... a steaming pot of curry ... come on. But I've still gotta see it with my own eyes." As you all know, Lars Blackshoe has sent men to capture Gloppajob, but so far there has been no word of the creature who must be more afraid of us than we could ever be afraid of it.
Gripples
Gripples may behave like the family pooch, but a dog he is not. His master, Effluvia Jack -- the man responsible for Old Jack Stout, brewed at the Blackshoe brewery -- calls him a "bloody riot." Residents of nearby Hounslow Heath near London, however, regard Gripples with a mixture of fear and repulsion. "I've seen all kinds of dogs," says local Old Age Pensioner Reginald Rimpton, "but this is ridiculous." So what is Gripples, you might ask? Let's turn to rumor for the explanation, for that is our best reference source.
The popular joke is that Gripples, as displayed on every bottle of Old Jack Stout, is proof positive that an elephant can indeed be mated with a dog. But some still contend that Gripples must be at least half alien. "It's as if he flew over from the mythical planet Floobot, or something," remarks an anonymous observer. Whatever the case, Gripples has made a mint for Jack who credits the success of his stout to a secret ingredient which oozes from Griples' trunk-like snout. "I won't tell you what it is," explains Jack with a grin, "because I don't bloody well know. But it's addictive in-it? Yet, I wonder if it's 'cause of those warbloids he likes to eat so much."
Only since Gripples' ambrosial effluvia became such a priceless commodity has Jack been known as Effluvia Jack. "I owe my success to Gripples," adds Jack with what could only be a glint of a tear forming in his right eye. "If he hadn't followed me home that day, I don't know where I'd be now. And if that Dr. Dingboit bloke made him, then I thank him." Regrettably, neither Dr. Dingboit nor Lars Blackshoe could be reached for comment.
Hasassin bin Fugly
Public enemy number 1 since 2001 when Fugly staged a plane crash into Mt.Rushmore on 3/21, claiming that the clean-shaven feminized faces were a disgrace to all things manly and bearded.
Huglee
It’s said that Hugley isn’t one creature but, rather, two, one screwing onto the other to take two of the most unsightly genetic aberrations and transforming them into one that might even put fear into Lethal Lumpkins. With legs for arms and arms for legs, this Australian curiosity has never sought hiding but has embraced the spotlight. “It’s as if the creature relished the looks of sheer disgust when it unscrews its lower appendage which drops to the ground like a steaming turd topped with googly fish eyes.
Asked if Huglee will be featured in the Circus of Wonders, Blackshoe has remained tight-lipped. Says a secret communication revealed on Yipileaks, Huglee did meet Blackshoe, but to Blackshoe’s anger and embarrassment, Huglee had called him Dad. Although it’s likely Huglee meant Dad in the broadest sense of the term, speaking of Blackshoe as a father-figure to all freaks, it’s also possible that Huglee knows something that not even the Inquisitor has been able to unearth.
Considering that Yipileaks has been quick to reveal humiliating secrets about Blackshoe’s private life as a swinger and as a fishphobe, it’s not likely that Yipileaks is a sign of the Blackshoe apocalypse as claimed by Rhonda Krayzle. Huglee may, however, point to forces of frightening changes that even a man as powerful as Blackshoe can’t control.
Jabbazhad
Regarded by Persian-Americans as the Iranian equivalent of "Abbott and Costello," and by their more earnest Muslim counterparts in Iran as the "greatest jokesters since Mohammed, who allegedly farted and called it the will of Allah (though I believe Salman Rushdie went into hiding for ten years or so because of just such a remark), the Jabbazhad have not escaped notice. After hosting Iran Comic Relief IX, the Jabbazhad (collectively) and (Baravarian and Baradarian individually) came to popular attention by their brand of Jim Carrey/ Jerry Lewis face-contorting hijinks. But "their true love is acrobatics," explains manager Ali Chaficho (pronounced with a silent C). "They trained in the Russian circus and worked with the likes of Rimfinski; and it's where they learned to leap, somersault, backflip and swallow fire. They can hang from ropes using nothing but their chompers and spin like regular Rimfs."
Baravarian (the straight man) and Baradarian (the unadultered goofball) -- or is Baravarian the goofball? -- have their sights set, quite naturally, on the Circus of Wonders. As for their origins, it's anyone's guess. And, to make matters more confusing, Dr. Dingboit has expressly denied any responsibility. But whatever science lab birthed this comic duo, it doesn't matter. All that matters is the freshness of their physical humor (even funnier if you can understand Persian) and the breathtaking originality of their death-defying stunts.
Jaffe
Once known as the skyrise window washer of Mexico City, Jaffe, originally from Cancun, now wanders the deserts of Mexico and the U.S. with his torso-less compadre Wilboit. Their companionship was exploited by politicians as a means to encourage the elimination of trade barriers between the U.S. and Mexico; but Jaffe has nothing to say on the matter. In fact, he refuses to speak on any matter which doesn't concern his guru, Wilboit, a horseless head and a modern day oracle of Delphi (or so it has been claimed). The pair are inseparable; and Wilboit relies on Jaffe to transport him from town to town using nothing but a rusty old wheelbarrow with a wobbly wheel.
With suction cups for feet and hands, Jaffe was a natural for the job of window washer where he scaled enormous highrises with relative ease. Rumor has it that Jaffe wasn't born with the suction cups which serve for hands and feet, but, rather, that Dr. Dingboit manufactured Jaffe in his lab, creating a lanky human composite to better study the nature of stick insects. There are neither parents or childhood friends available to claim otherwise. And so Jaffe remains a Brobbit enigma, with nothing but hearsay to account for his peculiar physiognomy. It's been said that NBC wants to employ Jaffe to clean the windows of Rockefeller Plaza, but Jaffe could not be reached for comment.
Jimbo Rigrodowski
"The 70's have never taken their toll on anyone quite like they've taken their toll on Jimbo," quips publisher Freddy Smuttison in his famous article. "He and his brother Rigrod were like Hopper and Fonda in Easy Rider, two outcasts in search of the American dream." The Rigrodowski brothers raced cars but when Rigrod lost both of his legs in a car crash, Jimbo "spiraled into a nihilistic inferno of cocaine, prostitutes and risky car stunts which would eventually cost him over half of his brain." When Jimbo played chicken with an oncoming train, he suffered a concussion and the loss of a leg. The second time he did it, he lost his other leg and an arm. Not to be daunted by the loss of three of his limbs, Jimbo had a vehicle, specially constructed just as Rigrod had done after his accident, enabling him to manipulate the vehicle with the use of only his left hand and mouth. The third time he attempted to play chicken with an oncoming train, Jimbo lost his remaining arm. But when the force of the impact shattered his skull, Jimbo also lost most of his cerebrum. "Thank God he still had a brain stem," remarks Nesbit Melvin who remembered how Jimbo's stunts put Evil Keneval's to shame.
Jimbo spent three months in a coma, at the end of which time he awoke a changed man: without the power of speech and unable to walk or eat without assistance. Allergies, which have afflicted him with a perpetual runny nose, present unfortunate problems for the nurses who care for him, as does his incontinence. "He's totally non responsive," explains his nurse, "but whenever we let him watch "Smokey and the Bandit," with Burt Reynolds, he flashes a smile." But despite the loss of his limbs and 3/4 of his brain, Jimbo is a survivor. And now that Dr. Dingboit has offered to install a new brain inside of him, should a willing donor make the offer, Jimbo's prospects for the future look remarkably good.
J.R.R. Gimpkein
Coming.
Lady Boob
There are few mysteries quite like that of Lady Boob who, with her audacious costumes- corn dog curlers, sliced spam blazers and her famous tamale body suit – has turned not only heads, but also a few stomachs with her raw food couture.
Known for her keep love of corn and corn products, Lady Boob has become the subject of much controversy, one that pits her squarely against the Floob-averse for her Floob-like behavior. Frequently seen lingering in remote corn fields, it’s her contention that she keeps getting stranded by her tour bus even when she isn’t in tour.
“Is Boob a Floob?” asks the front page of the Inquisitor a year ago shortly after it was rumored that Lady Boob was half Floob. There’s no proof of the claim; however, her parentage has been undisclosed. “It’s like she just materialized out of nowhere,” said Fay Nilch on a piece addressing Lady Boob’s offer to headline the next Corn Aid concert. The facts are secret, but there may be clues in the music. Lyrics like, “If you were a corn husk, I would swallow you whole,” and “if I were the Green Giant I’d turn all the people into corn.”
Lala Boomba
When Lala Boomba spoke her first line on the hit reality show Keep Dreaming – “So how long before I get my own show?” – America was in love with the no-nonsense shrill-voiced hair dresser from Queens. For a show about people with little or no natural ability coupled with an unrealistic sense of entitlement, Lala was the perfect fit. Not pretty, devoid of talent or charm and possessed of a voice like a squeaking hinge and a voice like an enraged Yipples, she was exactly what the show needed. “As dull as a rock,” described a blurb in the Inquisitor, “but that gal’s got moxy.”
Recently seen hitting the clubs of L.A. with tech genius Nesbit Melvin, Lala Boomba continues to set her sights high. Although the same was said of her back in 2006 when she was seen dating the host of Keep Dreaming, Hip Hop icon of the 90s Dope Daddy. With Dope Daddy’s failed music comeback and his participation in one failed reality show after another, it’s likely that Lala’s career would have tanked as well if she hadn’t found Nesbit. Now she’s famous for nothing but being famous, which might well set the new bar for how much can be accomplished with so little.
Lana Lech
Who hasn’t heard about Lana Lech who once, not too long ago, graced the big screen in over 100 films? From her breakthrough role in the Chaste and the Bashful in 1948 to the 1969 film that sealed her fame for years to come – Flesh Pot and its subsequent sequels – Lana has become a national treasure despite recent revelations about her secret gay life.
Her memorable roles were frequently overshadowed by the drama of her real life which included 10 marriages, 15 pre-nups and what may are convinced were 20 divorces. The law suits have numbered in the triple digits, thanks to skillful legal representation, including Lars’ Blackshoe’s famed family law attorney Umberto Sleezini, which left all her ex-husbands and her detractors penniless.
Just when it seemed she would never have children, Lana, in 1977, adopted a girl who had no father and whose mother could no longer care for her. Called Libel, in honor of the may suits she’d won against creative gossip magazines like the Inquisitor, the girl would later become a star in her own right, marrying Chaz Bean, despite Lana’s stern warnings about washed-up action stars with effluvia addictions.
Lana is still a hero for having discovered the Rigrodowski “Born to be Wild” brothers and assisting in their rise to fame, and for having taking the curiosity Nimfette under her wing. It’s said that Lady Boob may even be the daughter of what many back in the day called a most unnatural relationship between a movie star and a freak of nature.
Lars Blackshoe III
Born into an impoverished family of Norwegian immigrants, Lars Blackshoe's humble origins are positively Dickensian. In his memoirs, Blackshoe speaks of working long hours gutting fish on his father's boat; his lofty dreams were his only consolation. "I always wanted life on my terms, and now I do," concludes Blackshoe. It's a classic rags to riches story which propels the eager young Blackshoe into great wealth. But the source of his initial wealth still remains a mystery; and in his memoirs, Blackshoe simply states that he had a secret benefactor who wanted to give him a good start in life. "He got that money by selling his soul to the devil," remarks a vocal naysayer.
Though the source of his initial wealth remains a mystery, how he turned ten thousand dollars into billions is public knowledge. Fascinated by machines, Blackshoe invested in personal computers and home video games at just the right moment. "He earned billions by taking a chance on the new technology and on me," explains LarsNet CEO and former Blackshoe employee Nesbit Melvin. Wrote Freddy Smuttison in an Op Ed piece from the Public Inquisitor, “we could discuss his accomplishments - Old Jack’s Stout, Elixir drugs, Spank energy, LarsNet, Larscape, AskRouble, Smookbook and the Circus of Wonders in Vegas - but it wouldn’t be fair to call them his accomplishments. Let’s just say he’s had a lot of help.”
Blackshoe’s monopoly on the human genetic code is also turning enormous profit. He’d patented most of the human genes he located through the recently completed Genome Project he’d coordinated. Now, geneticists are ready to pay handsomely for the information, although Blackshoe says such information is not for sale. “The information is free to those who can do no harm,” explains spokesman Bill Yaysman. Although it’s said that Blackshoe may have already done harm through the secret genetic research of former employee and recluse, Dr. Dingboit.
Once called the "Norwegian Pirate," for what was alleged to be less than ethical tactics in creating a virtual monopoly in Cyberspace with LarsNet, Blackshoe has always insisted that he earned his wealth fair and square. However, Lars Blackshoe's fame derives less from his wealth and more from the eccentricity which wealth afforded.
Allegations that he funded a series of secret experiments with Dr. Dingboit have never been refuted; but his memoirs mention nothing of his interest in creating new life forms. Of course, Lars Blackshoe, always attired in period costume, is an avid collector of rare and peculiar things and his pursuit of the ellusive MacGribbet resembles an almost Arthurian quest for the Holy Grail. "I've never met a more ambitious man," adds Melvin. "He wants it all. And you can believe that his Circus of Wonders will be the greatest spectacle ever witnessed by mankind."
To date, six Las Vegas Casinos are bidding for variations on his Circus of Wonders which might just be the jumpstart Vegas desperately needs.
Lethal Lumpkins
“A botched attempt at a Picasso by Salvador Dali on acid,” read the first description of Lethal Lupkins in the Inquisitor. It was a generous sketch for a creature which has put fear into millions, prompting even non-Catholics to make the sign of the cross at a sighting. It’s said that Lethal Lumpkins may be the first clear sign that the End of Days are at hand.
First called “holy sh%^” for the utterance uniformly spoken by the creatures first witnesses, Lethal Lupkins stands a meter tall on a bird claw, its mid region a cluster of yellow pustules and its head of a testicular shape, misshapen eyes and oral orifice always changing shape and location. Often seen dangling by the claw from trees before swinging itself up into the sky, its source of locomotion remains a mystery.
It was Lethal Lumpkins’ first appearance at Corn Aid III that prompted the worst backlash against the curious creatures credited to Dr. Dingboit and Lars Blackshoe, most of which have been lined up for appearance at the upcoming Circus of Wonders. It should be noted that all Circus of Wonders tickets feature the following disclaimer: “While we’ve made every effort to keep Lethal Lumpkins as far from the festivities as possible, you hereby agree that Blackshoe Enterprises is not liable should any of the performers, invited or not, strike fear into, or otherwise turn the stomach of, the ticketholder herein.”
Libel Lech Bean
Adopted daughter of Lana Lech and long-suffering wife of noted Fluv addict and actor Chaz Bean, Libel (named by Lana to honor the lucrative libel suits) took a modest modeling career and quickly became the media darling of the early twenty-first century. Despite the unwanted speculation about whether she’ll have a child with Chaz, Libel has enjoyed the spotlight, eager to prove her critics wrong. However, her penchant for starring in sappy romcoms like “Dial 911 For Love” about a woman with a crush on a 911 operator, and “Love At First Tweet” about a woman who falls for the engaged man who accidently tweets her, has given the naysayers the upper hand.
Lucy
If you recall the paternity suit leveled against Lars Blackshoe in the early nineties, then you may recall Lucy (who answers to Lucy Blackshoe). The claim, brought by her mother (now deceased), alleged that Lucy was conceived one night after Lars met her mother in a London pub. Lars remembered nothing of that night, explaining that he was too drunk to have even been in a position to "make a dishonest woman of her." Lucy's mother may have lost the suit, but Lucy, currently living in Ipswitch, still regards Lars Blackshoe as "Daddy," sending him a letter a week; regrettably, Lucy refuses to disclose any of the letters she receives from Blackshoe.
Lucy, once ridiculed for her insanely large chompers, regards her teeth with great pride. "I love my teeth. They're so solid I can use them to punture through cans," she adds, beaming. "And I can use them to crack open a coconut. I just love to bite." Her preternaturally strong teeth defy logic, especially considering the reputation of English dentistry. During the suit, Lars Blackshoe's attorney Umberto Sleezini contended that Lucy, whose teeth resembled those of her mother, bore no physical resemblance to Lars (who has never been faulted for his teeth). When asked about this, Lucy remarked that "Daddy and I have so much in common. We both have to pluck the hair between our eyebrows." Blackshoe denies ever having sported a monobrow; however, the billionaire neglected to deny the claim the Lucy might be putting her chompers to good use in the Circus of Wonders.
Most recently, Lucy has committed herself to her side project, FreakKeep, designed to give sanctuary to the many bizarre and curious creatures attributed to Dr. Dingboit’s alleged genetic manipulation. “It’s the least I can do for Daddy,” explained Lucy, who has yet to meet the man she calls Daddy. “I love you Daddy. Big kiss.” To date, that kiss has not been returned.
MacGribbet
As a seemingly normal frog MacGribbet does not appear to earn a place among the peculiar aberrations of nature known as the Brobbits. But as the famed Highland talking frog from Aberdeen, MacGribbet is a sensation. Though largely overshadowed in significance by the mythical Loch Ness, MacGribbet has attracted an almost cultish following (who wear tartan caps and undersized shirts which read: "I've talked to MacGribbet'), most of whom have never set eyes upon the frog but who believe wholeheartedly in his existence.
MacGribbet has come to our attention only because eccentric billionaire Lars Blackshoe III has publicly declared his life quest (next to the installation of his Barnum and Baileyesque circus of oddities) to be the capture of MacGribbet. Lars Blackshoe claims to have seen the frog wearing a beautifully tailored Tartan cap and lounging on a rock located in a Highland stream. "He spoke to me," writes Lars in his published memoirs, "and told me in an almost unintelligible Scottish brogue, that 'with me lie the secrets of the universe, and they shall be yours only if you can catch me, wee man.' And with that he slid into the stream never to be seen again." Of course, there are those who say Lars Blackshoe was off his rocker, much like his imbecilic ward Donely, but he's not alone in his fervent belief in MacGribbet's existence. Who can say that the believers are wrong?
Muck Brothers
The co-owners of Hegemon Pharmaceuticals who, Yippileaks revealed, have turned their vast fortunes to political ends, funding candidates opposed to effluvia consumption and to biological anomalies. Currently, fears of effluvia addiction have inspired vocal movements to outlaw effluvia in Texas, Utah and in much of the mid West “on account of the Muck Brothers promise to destroy Elixir and Lars Blackshoe” says Yipileaks, which claimed possession of Hegemon Board Meeting Minutes. Despite the transparency of their politics, the Muck Brothers maintain very private lives.
Neg, Peg & Teg
The world’s first conjoined triplet dwarf mutants, Neg Peg and Teg are slated to perform in the Circus of Wonders “with death-defying feats that will beggar description.” While their bio clams the trio was born in China during the Cultural Revolution (that had grave need of triplets to give a boost to national production levels) the fact is that only Neg and Peg were born in a Chinese border town while Teg, the last to appear from their mother’s womb, was born in Mongolia after horrified family dumped the mother over the border during the prolonged and agonizing birth.
No stranger to circus life, the trio performed in the Shanghai Circus for years before coming to the attention of Lars Blackshoe on one of his recent recruiting expeditions. Their three man flips were impressive enough for Blackshoe himself to beg them to consider joining what Congresswoman Krayzle dubs “the freak show that will be the end of the world as we know it.”
Nesbit Melvin
First coming to public prominence as Lars Blackshoe's right hand man ("My second," as Lars still calls him), Nesbit Melvin has become a national phenomenon with Now’s Person of the Decade the least of his accomplishments. As CEO of LarsNet, the developers of Larscape, AskRouble, Rouble.com and Smookbook, Nesbit (starting out with only an MBA and big dreams) may well be the backbone of Lars Blackshoe’s tech empire. “He’s the best,” says Blackshoe’s PR advisor Bill Yaysman. “Effluvia from the stars, that’s what he is. There’s nothing better.”
The elusive and eccentric billionaire, recently seen arm in arm with reality show star Lala Boomba, credits much of his success to Melvin's astute advice. "He knows everything," Blackshoe remarks. Financial genius and ladies' man, Melvin, who makes regular appearances in dance clubs and singles bars around the U.S. and Canada (including one of his favorite stop-overs in Saskatoon, Canada of all places), has become something of an overnight sensation despite his many years working behind the scenes.
With all of Melvin’s many concurrent projects and his busy social life, it’s said that he still sets aside time to advise Blackshoe. “Competition is ruthless,” explained Nesbit, “and we don’t look out for each other, we’re done.” Nesbit has been outspoken about Blackshoe’s critics who are also his critics. “They’re convinced we can’t be this successful without having done something wrong. But the truth is we just looked to the future. Maybe they should too. I’m not afraid of the competition. They are.” Though even if LarsNet loses its competitive edge, Melvin’s push for open source software and net neutrality will keep the industry innovative which, claims Nesbit, is what matters most. “Freaks and geeks of the world unite,” proclaimed Nesbit on the set of Hot Seat with Fay Nilch. “You have nothing to lose but your … wait … you’ve got nothing to lose.”
But it's not Melvin's behind-the-scenes persona as a tech industry genius which has attracted so much notice; rather, it's his reputation as a swinging, club-hopping, sharp-attired creature of the night which has turned heads. "He may have been a bit of a nerd," says a fellow graduate of State Business School, "but he knew how to party. He and that friend of his -- Wacko I think they call him now -- blazed through here like bats out of hell. Wacko partied too hard and dropped out, but Melvin wound up graduating Cum Laude." Says a fellow female classman who dated him in college, "he wasn't much to look at. His ears and teeth are absolutely hideous. But what he could do between the sheets was nothing short of miraculous. With lines like "let me be the supply to your demand," who knew he could hypnotize half the female student body the way he did? And no woman could say no to him. But once I told him I couldn't live without him, he dumped me; he left me high and dry and yet I couldn't hold it against him."
Melvin once taught swing dancing in his home town of L.A. But when asked how he felt about the demise of this short-lived craze, Melvin says, "swing dancing is still alive and well, thank you very much. Hey, it's the swingingest town in the world, Daddy-O."
Nimfette
Nimfette may be old but he hasn't lost the charm which earned him a reputation for his unbridled passion in the spirited sixties. "Sure, he's not much to look at now," says ex-lover and aging screen siren Lana Lech, "but back then he was every woman's fantasy. No one cared about his duck feet. They came in quite useful, let me tell you." Now ridiculed by the press as an aged wanton, Nimfette, once an acquaintence of the Born to be Wild Brothers -- Rigrod and Jimbo --, still occupies the same artist's loft in Paris' Latin Quarter. "Sure his head droops and his belly sags," admits the American owner of a local bar, "but he drinks and womanizes just as much as he used to. No one sees much of him because he's too busy getting laid."
Few, however, have ever heard Nimfette speak; and many have concluded that he cannot speak. But Nimfette doesn't use words, he uses his body; and it's the rapid pelvic thrusting which earned him sex symbol status. But the peculiarity of his anatomy -- his extended neck and webbed feet -- have prompted many to suspect that Dr. Dingboit, associate of Lars Blackshoe III, might have masterminded his conception well before having worked with Lars Blackshoe. Regardless of his origins, Nimfette's tireless energy is nothing short of inspirational.
Olga Blackshoe
As a swing enthusiast who allegedly taught Nesbit Melvin how to dance, Olga Blackshoe, Lars Blackshoe’s estranged mother, has been reluctant to leave the public scrutiny that came of having such a famous son. While Lars has been something of a recluse, Olga has cheerfully revealed much about his humble beginnings in a fisherman family. “He wanted nothing to do with killing fish,” explained Olga in her best selling tell-all. “Said the souls of all those dead fish would haunt him to the end of his days.”
When rumors circulated that she and her declared life companion Lana Lech were lesbian, Olga was ready to step forward to confirm them, even after Lars Blackshoe denied them. “Lars never calls me, but at least I have a family now,” explained Olga in a recent television appearance. “And Lana’s daughter Libel is like a daughter to me.” Asked about her alleged grandchildren – Lucy, Donely and Sebastian - , she replied that “Lucy definitely has my teetch, Donley my feet, and Sebastian …” Never finishing the sentence, Olga has been uncharacteristicly tight-lipped on the subject of Sebastian Smarmson.
Pam Smear
They say beware a woman scorned, especially a woman promised a share in LarsNet in exchange for an exhausting night of obscene phone sex, only to be left without a penny come morning. “Five minutes of small talk was about all he could handle,” wrote Pam Smear about Lars Blackshoe in her tell-all memoir, Lars & Me: the first five minutes and beyond.
Pam has yet to refute claims that she’d called him for months, getting no response until he answered, vowing his undying love for her and begging her to accompany him to Vegas where he’d marry her. “Chances are he just needed a ride,” explained Blackshoe attorney Umberto Sleezini. “Marriage proposals have always been out of the question for him.”
Pam started PAB (People Against Blackshoe) in 1987, “not because he’s a lying dog who never called me back like he said he would and thought he could go on with his life as if I could be dismissed like one of his minions, but because he’s a cold-hearted son of a b&^#$” explained Pam.
It seems there are no limits to what PAB is willing to do to undermine everything Blackshoe, like splashing motor oil on anyone wearing effluvia synthetics, organizing mass deactivations of Smookbook and even throwing fish at Lars (during his rare public appearances) due to his public admission of fish phobia. She’s most recently been seen with Smarmson at various Whiteshoe fundraisers.
Plaffiotto
"He's an Easter egg with Spock ears," remarks a member of the audience at Plaffiotto's one man stage London show: Shakespeare and me, my favorite soliloquies. However, critics have not been kind, faulting Plaffiotto for his ridiculously thick Italian accent. "He makes a hash of things," writes theater critic Alistair Thrompton. "It's absolutely undigestible twaddle, as if Roberto Benigni were speaking with his mouth full of marbles. I'm sure his Italian isn't much better." Yet, Plaffiotto has as many admirers as he has detractors. "It's his sense of humor," explains a Blop-head. "It's all about how life doesn't make sense, about how we're misunderstood. It's totally deep, man; and I think he's a true poet."
Those who know Plaffiotto personally, among them Old Jack Stout co-founder Effluvia Jack, describe him as something of a primadonna. " He's an uptight little git, who thinks he knows it all, and he don't even make any bloody sense," remarks Jack, also a fellow Thespian. Rumor has it that Plaffiotto has conned everyone into believing he can speak when he can't. "It's just noise," adds Jack. "He's a freak, is all." Currently rooming with Snarfopoulos, also in London for a private benefit, Plaffiotto prepares for his stint as ringleader of the upcoming Circus of Wonders. "We just have to work on his English a little," explains Lars Blackshoe who has every confidence he can mold Plaffiotto into an intelligible speaker.
President Fofama O'Fama
Half Irish and half African. His detractors have accused him of being part Floobot, just like Lady Boob, and have used popular magazines like the Public Inquisitor to flaunt photos of him eating corn on the cob, citing said photos as conclusive proof of the conspiracy.
Rand R. Rand
The political operative and strategist everyone knows by name but who remains an enigma even to his high-profile employers. It was in the mid-nineties that Englebert Schwartsbaum applied for the name change to Rand Rand, although, to this day, he denies familiarity with the writings of Ayn Rand. It’s said he just liked the sound of Rand so much he used it twice. It’s also said that his middle initial R. stands for Rand. For the man orchestrating new laws against all things unique, Rand Rand is certainly a curiosity.
Rhonda Krayzle
Freshman congresswoman Rhonda Krayzle may be relatively new to politics, but with most media outlets saturated with her speeches and interviews, she’s gained celebrity status. As the self-proclaimed leader of the Milk party movement - eschewing all things effluvia in favor of the wholesome beverage which, in a more simple age, could be drunk straight from the teat – the Congresswoman has a vocal opponent of all things Blackshoe. “A god-fearing age,” explained Krayzle in a recent interview, “would have been wary of someone like Lars Blackshoe who, for all I know, dabbles in the black arts. I mean he talks to a horse head which if it isn’t the picture of devil worship I don’t know what is.”
For Krayzle, there is still no worse danger than a full-scale Floob invasion, ravaging our planet of its cherished corn supplies in a furious feeding frenzy which would bring the apocalypse to the real America right in the Heartland. “And it’s Blackshoe’s fault the Floobots are here,” decried Krayzle on Hotseat with Fay Nilch. “He probably offered to give up our God-given corn so they could make him Emperor of the Earth. But who is Blackshoe to play God with his secret experiments and his alien technology which will be used to steal our souls?”
Speaking of her recent bid for President, Krayzle promised “no more negotiation with Floobots” and reeducation for all Floobot sympathizers. “If I’m President, no one will ever have to surrender their corn, especially not for a Floobot. If they want my corn, they’ll have to pry it from my dead hand.”
Rigrodowski
In a city that reputedly never sleeps lives a man (or half a man I should say) who drives a taxi cab 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, never stopping long enough to take a single passenger, let alone shave the permanent stubble from his chin. A Brobbit mystery indeed, but one which can be partially explained. "Rigrod waits for no man," goes the saying, and those who have seen him marvel at his relentless energy. "It's a wonder the cops never pull him over," remarks one observer. But the police insist that both the diminutive size of the vehicle and the engine prevent Rigrod from driving faster than 35 mph. "Besides, he always looks both ways and has never come within three feet of a pedestrian," explained the Police Chief.
Rigrod (JJ Rigrodowski), and his younger brother Jimbo Rigrodowski, both lost their legs in an auto accident. Says an old friend, "they were playing chicken. You know, when you drive at each other to see who swerves out of the way first. Well, neither of them would ever admit to being chicken and so they smashed into each other. I remember Rigrod trying to put his legs back on afterwards, but it was too late. When he learned he could never drive again, he refused to accept defeat. Fortunately, Rigrod came to the attention of Lars Blackshoe who’d arranged to have a car specially designed for Rigrod’s mutilated body. It’s said that Rigrod is permanently attached to the vehicle which runs on an undisclosed source of alternative energy
For Rigrod, it's like that song, 'Life is Highway. You could take away his legs but never his will to travel." Rigrod has attracted national interest ever since Lars Blackshoe offered to pay him to appear in what the press mockingly terms the "freak circus."
Rimfinski
Everyone knows Rimfinski, the peculiar tomato-shaped creature who tight-rope walked from one tower of the Kremlin to another. "He's crazy," reports an American eyewitness to one of his feats of daring-do. A featured player in the famed Russian Circus, Rimfinski (colloquial Russian for either "little whirlwind" or "oversized veggie" depending on what part of Russia you’re from) played the miraculous whirling dervish who spins, head to the floor, for minutes on end and at an astonishing rate of speed. Dancer and acrobat, this extraordinary three-foot tall daredevil and showman has no need for hands. Fellow performers have only been too eager to hand feed this emperor of the circus people.
Like other Brobbits, Rinf has been unable to grasp the fundamentals of human language, communicating only with his characteristic and rhythmic chirps and gurgles. Some credit Rimfinski's existence to Dr. Dingboit's experiments on animating vegetable matter; but how else could such an anomaly be explained? Like other Brobbit enigmas, Rimf's origins remain a mystery. Dr. Dingboit has, so far, failed to deny rumors which have connected him to Rimf. As a side note, the rumor mill also reports that Rimfinski will be headlining Blackshoe's Circus of Wonders with the Italian Plaffiotto as ringleader.
Rob Lute
For years, the country has turned to Rob Lute for his advice on markets, futures, derivatives and even hats. “There’s a hat for every occasion,” claims Lute about what he admits was a life-long obsession. Often seen with a hat drawn over his face, as if someone as famous as Rob Lute could travel incognito, there’s no telling where this master of disguises hasn’t been. “He’s recognized only because he wants to be,” explained Inquisitor editor Freddy Smuttison.
“I regret nothing,” declared Lute at a college graduation address, which came as no surprise since Lute has become famous for his boasts, including his claim he never had to apologize for anything, even after the recent market collapse when apologies were expected by so many. Frequent allegations surfaced in the months after the crash that Lute told clients to go in with everything they had, that there was no better time for bold risks. Investors who took his advice lost it all. “Lute came out like gangbusters,” says Nesbit Melvin, a vocal critic of Rob Lute. “The reason is he never took his own advice. But why would he do that when he bet so heavily on the market taking a dive.”
Nesbit Melvin has made no secret of his distaste for Rob Lute ever since, claims Melvin, Lute cheated Lars Blackshoe out of millions in a botched deal that would have brought the Circus of Wonders to Atlantic City even before Vegas. Love him or hate him, few are more admired than Rob Lute, a man who can still send investors over a cliff at the drop of a hat.
Rory Blow
It was Rory Blow - the red-faced fat man who’d bloviated his way into America’s hearts with his famed radio show - who’d first suggested that Blackshoe was probably the anti-Christ, inspiring politicians like Rhonda Krayzle to jump on the anti-Blackshoe bandwagon which has been luring recruits by the thousands. “He wants you dead,” said Rory Blow of Blackshoe. “He wants your children dead. He wants everyone dead. How do I know, my friends? Well, it’s my job to know, and to warn you that he’s not like us.”
Some have called Rory Blow obsessed about the upcoming Circus of Wonders, his mouth foaming with what some suspect is the residue of a secret effluvia addiction. Rory Blow has denied the accusations, calling his detractors “Floobot loving traitors who will one day admit they were wrong and I was right.”
Called out for his hate of the Circus of Wonders performers by Blackshoe’s alleged daughter Lucy, Rory Blow has replied that “with her chompers, she should perform in the circus with the rest of the freaks.” It’s alleged, however, that despite his apopletic rage against all biological curiosities, or freaks as he calls them, it’s only fear that the increased popularity of the creatures and of effluvia will drive up the price of the drug, thereby making his Fluv addiction all the more costly to sustain.
Rouble Fluxum
Even if you haven't heard the phrase "Wise as old Solomon," you will, no doubt, have heard the expression "as well-read as a Rouble-Fluxum." What is a Rouble Fluxum, you might ask? According to the Zoroastrian tradition, a rouble fluxum represents the culmination of all possibility and the bridging of the human world with the divine. According to lay scholars in Mecca where Rouble Fluxum resides, it means the "discharge of holy fluid from a body cavity." But whatever the case, Rouble Fluxum has irreparably altered the nature of religious pilgrimages. "Now, on holy days," explains Farhoud Bahlsufsteale, a local vagrant, "people come not to give praise to Allah but to ask questions of Rouble Fluxum."
The name Rouble Fluxum has been in the news only because of Lars Blackshoe's proclaimed intention of using Rouble Fluxum to create a search engine for LarsNet called "Ask Rouble." But when asked how he proposed to pry Rouble free of his fanatical following in Saudi Arabia, Lars elected not to comment. Naturally, many suspect that Rouble Fluxum belonged to Lars Blackshoe in the first place, as an attempt by Doctor Dingboit to create a veritable book worm. Yet, there are some who insist that Rouble Fluxum is nothing but a hoax. Says famous skeptic Effluvia Jack, "he doesn't know a bloody thing. These confidence tricksters pretend to translate what Rouble says, but they can't understand him because it's all gibberish. So they just answer the questions themselves." Is Rouble Fluxum fact or fancy? We may never know.
Rouble Fluxum has recently has recently been blamed for the unrest in the Middle East, generating as much controversy as Yipileaks. But he’s earned more praise than condemnation, having become a symbol to the youth movement pushing for democratic reform. It’s alleged it began with Rouble’s claim that people won’t get the truth unless they ask for it. Surprisingly, Rouble’s most outspoken defender has been Congresswoman Rhonda Krayzle who has blamed Floobots from outer space for setting us on the path to the End of Days. “And all for our God-given corn. What can you expect from a Floobot?”
Sebastian Smarmson
The first season of The Follower with Dickie Dump was an enormous success for two reasons: 1: would-be employees of Dickie Dump’s billion dollar fast food restaurant empire in a battle to deflect the blame and 2: Sebastian Smarmson. Who can forget Smarmson’s frequent gripes about the worthlessness of his opponents and how he could manipulate the game to suit his own ends. Confidence was not his undoing, however, and Sebastian won the season just as he’d predicted. Sebastian’s tenure as branch manager of Dumpie’s was brief, however, but the wealthy and influential had already come courting him.
The Public Inquisitor claimed he was one of Lars Blackshoe’s love children. Although Sebastian denied the allegation, it was never put to rest, not with the public’s ceaseless appetite for the latest Blackshoe gossip. “One of Blackshoe’s love children?” replied Pam Smear of PAB when asked about the connection. “That would imply there was any love in Blackshoe’s heart.”
If Smarmson isn’t Blackshoe’s son, the pair bear an uncanny resemblance and a curious infatuation with taking risks and, of course, genetics. “Smarmson does everything his father does, but without the luck,” quipped Freddy Smuttison of The Inquisitor. “It seems he’s always at least ten years too late.”
Smarmson’s most recent claim to fame is as the spokesperson for the Whiteshoe movement devoted to banning black shoes everywhere. “There’s more than just shoes at stake,” claimed Smuttison on a recent episode of Hotseat with Fay Nilch. He may be a hero to some, but to others, he’s just being contrary.
Smookster
For close to thirty years now, Smookster has been a guru to all those who believe in the virtues of free loving and living. Now one of Berkeley, California's principal attractions, Smookster has already inspired the creation of an annual music venue called Smooksterpalooza in addition to Smooksterchella which, this year, will feature reggae artist, BlopMan of Jamaica. "Smookster is so mellow," remarks a Blop-head and Berkeley student who has flocked to Smookster's home for the weekly poetry readings. "I don't know what the hell it is .. he ... she ... but whatever it is, it's way cool." Like Old Jack's Stout mascot, Gripples, Smookster relishes a moist warbloid for lunch and dinner. Though Smookster's digestive inclinations often nauseate guests, Smookster always makes up for it by offering the potent bong hits from the special Smookspipe, something which resembles more of an oriental hookah than a bong. Allegedly, BlopMan can't wait to try out the famed Smooskpipe.
Like other Brobbits, Smookster's origins remain a mystery. If Smookster's origins can be traced back to Dr. Dingboit's early experiments on genetic recreation of matter then Smookster's benevolence and Buddha-like calm attest to the nobility of Dingboit's intentions. But, like other Dingboit creations, Smookster does not appear to possess the capacity of speech; yet, this bird-frog, this happy-hippy has no trouble communicating it's good intentions with the offering of the smookster pipe.
Along with Blopman, Smooster is now seen as a driving force behind the new youth consciousness demanding change and safe harbor for all things freakish and weird.
Snarfopoulos
If a three foot tall egg with the consistency of a nerf football could sing, who would have imagined it could ever possess the melodic range and ethereal timbre of Snarfopoulos' siren song. A contretenor who sings too high for a man and too low for a woman, Snarf defies all logic -- yet another Brobbit enigma. Though it has been Snarf's ambition to play the great opera houses around the world and to sign with Deutche Gramaphon, Snarf has been unable to grasp a jot of Italian, despite years of painstaking study. He has not yet mastered his own native Greek; though, to be fair to Snarf, rumor claims that he understands the languages but that a speech impediment has precluded him from maintaining an intelligible conversation or from verbalizing anything more than Mananana. He squeaks and squacks, often unable to stand still for more than a few seconds.
Though his singing voice (at times, otherworldy and other times, spastic and jarring) makes men weak and women feint, it is all that makes him remotely human. If he is indeed one of Dr. Dingboit's creations, then it's a misfortunate experiment which gave Snarf ambition to sing human lyrics but prevented him from ever articulating them. Nonetheless, Snarf has been booked to sing at Lincoln Center, most likely the smallest and oddest looking singer to flutter his vocal chords in its hallowed halls.
Stimpy
When Stimpy the Floob first appeared on the cover of the Public Inquisitor embracing a corn husk, it was considered yet another one of the Inquisitor’s pictorial gags. But, since that time, people in America's grain belt have allegedly spotted the diminutive creature feeding on cord husks. "I haven't seen him," says Isaiah Flatfoot of Iowa, "but I once heard him one night, chompin' on my corn. I think I scared him away awful good with a few shots from my rifle." Yet, with claims that Stimpy is only the first of many extraterrestrial visitors from the planet Floobot, America's farmers grow nervous. "I've spoken to Stimpy," says Nebraska native Lorinda Loon, "and he told me that corn is vital to the well-being of Floobotians. Once the corn crop was wiped out, Stimpy and others were sent to seek corn harvests on other planets. The mothership will soon arrive to transport the corn from our planet to Floobot."
"But that's just a lot of hokum," asserts the President, called upon to consider whether this calls for a state of national emergency. "There are no extraterrestrials and even if there were we wouldn't tell you." Considered a fiction by most and a threat by some, Stimpy the corn-loving Floob has generated something of a following. After Ms. Loon divulged her experience to the press, so-called Floobacites have been formed to discuss the coming of the Floobotians to our planet. "I bet that's where Effluvia comes from," suggests a member of Corn Aid, a pro Floobotian group of wayward Blopheads. "We can do a trade. Our corn for their effluvia." Yet, until Stimpy makes a public appearance or until the Floobotian mothership hovers over the White House on Independence Day, we won't know what to think of this Brobbit enigma.
As of today, the corn futures market gives corn husks a value of about 2 per gram of effluvia which, if it isn’t from Floobot, isn’t from this world. Who can blame Floobaphiles for wanting everything effluvia considering effluvia’s proven healing properties as well as its efficacy in improving virility and mental acuity.
Umberto Sleezini
Hailing from Bologna, Italy, Mr. Sleezini had the unfortunate reputation as a mafia lawyer before coming to the attention of Lars Blackshoe who was in desperate need of an attorney for his first paternity suit in 1992 brought by alleged daughter Lucy. While an English barrister delivered the arguments, it’s alleged that those arguments were crafted by Sleezini himself who knew how to take the truth and turn it inside out until it was unrecognizable.
Dubbed the trial of the decade, which had yet to see much in the way of scandalous lawsuits, it was evidence of an unbroken condom that saved Lars Blackshoe the embarrassment of conceding more than a “meaningless shag” with a woman locals called the “easiest lay in Ipswitch, England.” There was still the embarrassment of the shag being with a woman north of two hundred fifty pounds who, for whatever reason, had chosen to keep that condom as a memento of what she’d called a man more well-endowed than most.
While the condom was never authenticated, it didn’t matter; nor did it matter that the paternity test proved a match. What mattered was Sleezini’s impassioned closing argument reminding the judge that “if it doesn’t fit, you must acquit,” speaking, of course, of the oversized condom which Lars Blackshoe tried on in chambers but which, it turns out, was too small for him. Not only did Umberto Sleezini get the case thrown out for lack of evidence, he gave the gossip magazines something Blackshoe didn’t object to having in print.
Sleezini’s courtroom theatrics, which often include tears and threats of self-harm, failed to win over the jury that decided in favor of Donely, the second paternity suit leveled against Blackshoe; but not even a master of tears can win over everyone.
Von Stupples Der Pooples
Some say that Von Stupples der Pooples, Lars Blackshoe's advisor and accountant from Stuttgart, acquired his canine-like disposition due to a misconceived experiment sponsored by billionaire Blackshoe. Rumor has it that Lars punished Von Stupples for embezzling money by coercing him into personally participating in secret experiments in biological modification, or so claims the Public Inquisitor. Whatever the truth, Von Stupples can't say, for he can muster nothing more than a growl, a bark, or a howl. How he remains a wiz with numbers is anyone’s guess.
There are those who feel sorry for Von Stupples (who acquired the appellation Der Pooples because of his proclivity towards defecating on other people's front lawns), but Von Stupples is the epitome of the well-loved, pampered pooch; and it's been said that Lars, guilt-ridden for what happened to Stupples, has men take good care of Von Stupples, even buying him the finest clothes obtainable. Despite Von Stupples' predilection for belly rubs, sniffing dogs asses and chasing perplexed mailmen, he still maintains an uncanny sense of style. Ever the dapper gent, his misfortunate incontinence (as if he'd never been potty trained) has failed to undermine his GQ appearance or diminish his sex appeal. Only last year, Von Stupples was voted most eligible bachelor of Stuttgart.
Vrapiknuck
A contortionist, and part-time bellydancer, who communicates primarily by the awe-inspiring twists and gyrations of his elongated torso, Vrapiknuck (Thai for "human knot") has been a secret, which until now, could be enjoyed only by the tourists who ventured to sin-city Bangkok. But thanks to Lars Blackshoe's Circus of Magic and Wonder, Vrap has captured national attention; though there is no word yet as to whether Vrap will sign on. "I don't see how he'll fare in America," asserts an English expatriate living in Bangkok. "His contortionism enables him to communicate with others, but his body can only mirror the twisted characters which comprise the Thai language. Unless he learns English, he'll have nothing to say, and, consequently, no reason to distort his body like he does. Besides, he's witty in a Thai way and the Thai bon mots and witticisms he uses would never translate very well over there."
As yet, there is no explanation for either Vrap's peculiar behavior or for his inexplicably humanoid appearance. Blackshoe-aphiles have linked Vrap to Dingboit's experiments on the elasticity of rubber; but that is mere conjecture. But if the Vrap-credited assertion that "I am no more interesting than the questions people ask of me," be true, then Vrap is an interesting creature indeed.
Wacko
See Finnegan “Wacko” McWhacken.
Warbloid
When Ethel Burham of London first saw a family of Warbloids ensconced in her toilet bowl, she was horrified and called the police. The local constabulary were mystified. Scientists, however, were utterly fascinated by the enigmatic life form which has emerged in the last ten years. "We've seen them in London and the rest of Europe," says Hegemon Pharmaceuticals rep Floyd Cockinbush. "And now they've been spotted in east-coast cities of the United States. If we're not careful, there may be more of these creatures in our sewers than there are rats. And then we could have a real epidemic on our hands."
You've probably heard the saying, "you'd better look to see where you’re putting your bare ass." Besides, who wouldn't cringe at the thought of a warbloid rubbing against your nether regions when you're straddling the crapper. "Don't want one of them things up me arse," asserted a local London resident. "They're disgusting." Thankfully, scientists have been hard at work in an attempt to understand the warbloid, and to learn enough so that we can reduce their swelling numbers. "Imagine a sea urchin without the hard shell," explains Cockinbush, "and imagine black tendrils so minute they look like mammal hair; add eyes and you've got yourself a warbloid. They secrete an adhesive substance which helps attach themselves to walls and ceilings (and which has been revealed to be a pure form of effluvia), but we don't know how they achieve trajectory. We've seen warbloids shoot themselves from one wall to another ten feet away, but we don't know how. It's as if they fly on will-power alone.” Although some claim that Warbloids use the same mysterious energy that propels Rigrod 24/7. Could Dr. Dingboit be responsible for the introduction of this pest into our sewage systems or is it just another Brobbit enigma?
Wilboit
As the bodiless horse head who can prognosticate like a modern day oracle, Wilboit has attracted nothing but disbelief. Says one who attempted to speak with Wilboit and his compadre Jaffe, "neither of them would say a word, let alone tell me my future. It's just some mute freak with suction cups pushing around a horse head in an 'ol wheelbarrow. " Yet, Lars Blackshoe, who allegedly possesses a secret compendium of Wilboit's predictions for the future, claims that "Wilboit isn't so much a fortune-teller as he is a horse with a gift for inestimable advice. He told me I should create a Circus of Wonders, more fabulous than any circus ever staged" "However," warns Blackshoe," you will get nothing by looking a gift horse in the mouth." When asked to elaborate, he explained, simply, "not to look at his mouth. Listen and you shall hear. And that's straight from the horse's mouth," adds Blackshoe with a laugh.
Lars Blackshoe has been criticized as a madman for believing that a horse head can give good counsel, but Blackshoe finds inspiration in Wilboit. "He's undaunted," adds Blackshoe, "despite the harvesting accident which allegedly severed Wilboit's head from his body. And all of the nay-sayers who don't believe in him are in for a big surprise when my Circus opens its doors." Amidst claims that Jaffe will be wheeling Wilboit to the Circus of Wonders to impart wisdom to the world, we may learn the truth about Wilboit sooner than we expect.
Yaysman (Yesman)
See Bill “Yesman” Yaysman.
Yipples
Few have heard the blood-curdling yips of Yipples without being forever changed by the experience. 'I've never heard the like," explains Lars Blackshoe in his memoirs. "We were sailing down the Amazon in search of new life when we heard it. To the men working the boat, it was something demonic, but to me it was a siren song. I've been smitten, but try as I might, I could not locate the creature, nor have I been able to since." Based upon reports by natives who have glimpsed Yipples scampering though the dense Amazonian rainforest, the creature appears to bear no resemblance to any known animal life. Brazilian authorities, concerned about the fearful yipping, have attempted to capture Yipples by luring him closer to human habitation with strategically placed barrels of fried bananas. Yipples consumes the bananas but has never been caught in the act; but native forest dwellers have noticed the increased size of Yipples' belly, due, most likely, to the barrels of consumed friend bananas.
According to the Public Inquisitor, Lars Blackshoe III has vowed to make Yipples an addition to the Circus of Wonders. 'I'll find him," remarks Blackshoe, "even if I die trying." Brazilian authorities pursue the creature themselves, but fear that the human ear might not be able to withstand a Yipples yip up close has forced them to maintain their distance. Rumor naturally attributes Yipples to Dingboit, but hasn't every biological enigma been attributed to Dr. Dingboit? But of all the creatures, Yipples possesses the most remarkable vocal ability, one which must make him easy to find in the long run. "Oh,' utters Blackshoe with a groan "if only MacGribbet yipped. I might have found him by now."
Rumor has it that all those who’ve heard the Yipples cry are rendered incapable of deceit. The claim was what may have inspired Yipileaks, known to reveal titillating factoids about the rich and famous. No one has claimed responsibility for Yipileaks, however.
